Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
