I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just cut my nipple shaving
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
