I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
