Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
