I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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