I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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