I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
