Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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