I am in a vortex of obligation.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
