I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
