Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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