im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
