Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
