I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
