Texts From Last Night

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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

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  (513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead http://tfl.nu/yu41
  Replies (17) Good night (6050) Bad night (991)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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  (506): cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you http://tfl.nu/iu0p
  Replies (21) Good night (5250) Bad night (1010)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
  Replies (61) Good night (14564) Bad night (1061)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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  (503): No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school. http://tfl.nu/ym74
  Replies (7) Good night (7520) Bad night (807)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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  (302): Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing http://tfl.nu/ldmu
  Replies (16) Good night (1041) Bad night (4275)
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  (714): View more from California

  He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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  (714): He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later. http://tfl.nu/n2z7
  Replies (10) Good night (969) Bad night (3548)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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  (847): I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face. http://tfl.nu/62jc
  Replies (11) Good night (3846) Bad night (1623)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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  (847): Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!" http://tfl.nu/3xo9
  Replies (10) Good night (5253) Bad night (1147)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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  (773): I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe. http://tfl.nu/xtio
  Replies (6) Good night (3070) Bad night (938)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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  (218): Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday? http://tfl.nu/s08h
  Replies (5) Good night (2048) Bad night (832)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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  (336): I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged. (412): It's gameday bitch. Man up. http://tfl.nu/dewp
  Replies (2) Good night (1406) Bad night (560)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out

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  (515): I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out http://tfl.nu/6wgt
  Replies (4) Good night (1566) Bad night (503)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.

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  (303): Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs. http://tfl.nu/8ywt
  Replies (5) Good night (488) Bad night (919)
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  (516): View more from New York

  I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare

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  (516): I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare http://tfl.nu/2gb3
  Replies (1) Good night (401) Bad night (225)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Just trying to get my dicks in a row.

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  (928): Just trying to get my dicks in a row. http://tfl.nu/3g9d
  Replies (2) Good night (664) Bad night (194)

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