I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?