If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
