you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
