coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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