remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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