Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
