I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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