I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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