I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
