Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
