boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
