I'm gonna have a badass scar
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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