The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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