he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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