Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
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