Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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