It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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