we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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