you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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