you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
