My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
