If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
