Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
