dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
