I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
