I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
