yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
