i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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