my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
