Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
