i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
