My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
