you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
