can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
