I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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