my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
