Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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