I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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