I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
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i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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