1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
