WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
